Me: My Worst Enemy

Around four weeks ago I did something I’d wanted to do for a very long time – I bought a domain name, site hosting, and set up Chatterday…

I started my blogging journey with all the energy you’d expect from an average 23 year old with a passion for something. I was determined to get my teeth well and truly stuck in and my head was buzzing with ideas. I tried to get these ideas down on paper and if you were to look at my “drafts” folder on WordPress you would see that, at that time, I really was spilling my brain on to the pages at an astounding rate. I felt positive and motivated for the first time in months and I really believed that I could make a good go at this whole blogging malarkey and that despite everything, I was going to stick to it no matter what.

Fast forward just four short weeks and my blog is only half full of what I believe to be incredibly mediocre content – posts that represents a halfhearted attempt to begin creating the exciting vision I’d previously had. Somewhere along the way, I’ve once again lost all motivation and confidence in myself and that horrible blighter of a devil is back on my shoulder reiterating all the negative things that prevented me from setting up my blog for so long in the first place.

Admittedly, there are some elements in my life which are impacting my mental state that are very much out of my control at the moment. My Dad died at the beginning of January and it’s plunged me into a very, very bleak place. My ongoing experience with grief is something I feel could fill an entire book, never mind a blog post, but it’s definitely something that deserves its own piece aside from this. Nonetheless, this is me acknowledging that I should at least cut myself some slack, because this is possibly the worst phase of my life to date.

But this is exactly why I pushed myself to do this – something that I’ve wanting to do for years – at this point in my life. I desperately need something positive and productive to be able to focus my attention and energies on at the moment, and at first it was going so well and I’d even go so far to say I felt a glimmer of happiness, an emotion that my life has been practically devoid of these past three months.

But this is why I am my own worst enemy.

I am perfectly capable of realising and understanding what I need to do and what’s good for me, but I am dreadful at following through on the promises I make to myself and being proactive.  I’ve managed to convince myself that there’s no point in me even trying with this blog – I can’t write, I don’t have any good ideas and nobody on this earth is going to give a shit about anything I have to say anyway. I’ve fabricated excuses that have permeated my brain and in the process I’ve managed to convince myself to give up before I’ve even really started.

But alas, no more.

I’m hoping that in me holding my hands up and recognising that I’ve been shit, I will stop being so shit, and my little slice of the web can be a shit-free place for at least a little while. I know what I need to do, I just need to put the ideas into practice and stop radiating negativity – because God knows there’s enough of that in the world.